i shouldn't involve other people into my problems

like i so often do.

i don't know if i want to drop out of science. one side of me is telling me that the only way i've come so far [well, half of a year] is by cheating and lying and being balls-out scandelous. the other side of me says i should lie and cheat and be more scandelous for another half of a year.

and i don't want to, that's the problem.

i don't want to read anymore of The Blue Planet and Environmental Science (6th edition). i don't want to cheat on tests that i fail on anyway. i don't want to go into the smelly library to try to concentrate, but fail. i don't want to have a C-, yes, C-, as in, 2 points away from a D.

but i don't want to give up half way into the year. i don't want to prove my father right [stubborn, i know]. i don't want to not be in science. i don't want mrs.shurz to be dissapointed in me. i don't want to feel like the only reason i'm giving up is because i'm too lazy to do labs and write essays, because essentially, that's all this class is asking for.

and perhaps i just want to quit because all my friends did. i no longer have morals, guys. you know what i'm doing for my humanities essay? you want to know why i logged into virtual virginia anyway? so i can recover the paper i wrote on global warming, so that i can copy and paste 1/2 of that and be done with my essay. yeah, i'll admit to it - i've lost all hope in myself to be a good person. i've lost my ethos.

and so, i'll end this with an 'i'm sorry'. i'm sorry for getting my friends [particularly one who will go unnamed who deals with my shit on a day to day basis] into my mess. i've been stressed, no doubt, about whether i'm gonna drop this shit or not.

and so, i'm hoping somehow the planets align tonight, and today will be easier. i'm going to call mrs.spinelli, get the low down on what the rest of the year looks like, and go from there.

keep it real.

edit [the seventh, one day later] -- i'm staying.